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This post on how to celebrate a deceased loved one’s birthday, after they have passed, is dedicated to my son:
In Loving Memory: Jaxon Alexander Kelley
4/14/2013-6/1/2013
www.facebook.com/jaxonalexanderkelley
Today is my son Jaxon’s birthday, and if he were still alive today, he would be 5 years old. If you have ever lost a loved one, then you know that one of the hardest days of the year are their date of birth. You know that if they were alive, there would be there with you, and you would be preparing to get them a cake, some brightly wrapped presents, a birthday card, and a hug that is tight enough to let them know that you are glad they are around for another year.
You can still celebrate this difficult day
That is why today is difficult for me, because I know that if my son were still alive, he would be a 5-year-old little boy, walking, talking, and leaving Legos on the floor like he should be. He’d probably be asking me for a cool Batman inspired cake and a toy tool kit, and of course he would have both because he would be spoiled. My son passed away in a car crash when he was 6.5 weeks old, so the only birthday that I had with him, was the day he was born.
I still celebrate his birthday every year though, with a tradition of getting him a themed cake, lighting a candle and making a wish for him, as I sit alone at an empty table where he should be sitting. If you know this pain, then hopefully you also know that just because they are gone, doesn’t mean that their life shouldn’t be celebrated.
The Importance of Recognition
Perhaps the only recognition that your loved one gets on their birthday is a faint whisper mentioning them from a friend who is afraid they will make you upset. If only they knew how much we LOVE hearing someone talk about them or mentioning them, right?!
With that being said, celebrating their birthday doesn’t need to be completely gloomy and tense. Yes, you will cry and get a little down, but when you are done rightfully crying your heart out, do something special for them, something that you know would have put a smile on their face if they were alive. Provide some form of birthday tradition in honor or in celebration of them. Not sure what to do? That is what this post is for.
Making their Birthday Bearable
I want to help you make their birthday a little bit more bearable and meaningful. After all, their birthday is the one holiday each year that is solely for them, unlike Christmas and Thanksgiving. You don’t have to put so much energy into multiple people and you can focus on them alone.
So I have put together some ideas on how you can honor your loved one on their birthday (or any day, really). I hope that you, reading this, will find some comfort as you likely stumbled on this post out of a yearning to celebrate their birthday even if they are gone.
Note: If you know of any grieving parents, be sure to remember their birthday as well, and consider checking out my other post on recognizing grieving moms on Mother’s Day here: Still A Mother
1. Traditional Birthday Cake for a Deceased Loved One’s Birthday
Every single year since my son passed away, I get him a cake, light up the candles, put a picture of him up next to it (and his urn). For some, this may seem like “too much” but it honestly gives you a little comfort because you still get to spend money and time on that day, dedicated to them. Sure, we can’t buy them gifts, but at least you can say to yourself “Even though he/she is gone, I would have spent this cake money on him anyways, so his passing doesn’t get to take that joy away”.
If they were alive, you’d buy the cake, so why not make that a constant tradition? Sure, you might shed a few tears as you cut the cake, wishing you could give one of the corner pieces to your loved one, but just imagine how happy and loved they would be if they knew what you were doing for them, even though they are gone.
Picking out a Cake
When picking out a cake, don’t just get any cake, personalize it. For example, the theme of the cake below is “Finding Nemo“, because Jaxon had a “Finding Nemo” blanket. I remember looking at him, thinking “oh, I can’t wait until you are old enough to watch it with me”. So using experiences like that to personalize your cake are always a good idea, to make it even more special.
Example
Here is an example of one of my son’s “memorial birthdays”. I have the candles lit, his picture sitting out, his urn, and had the cake customized with his name. I do one every year and it is so comforting every time because I know if he was here, buying a cake would be something that would come out of my budget every April anyways, so for me, it allows me to still have the experience and symbolic value.
Skipping on getting a cake is okay too. Instead, if you prefer, you can get a memorial candle and light it all day in their remembrance. 💜 Here are some beautiful examples that you can get online:
“Gone but not Forgotten” Memorial Candle
This candle makes lighting a flame in their memory much more special, as it has a sweet poem, emphasizing the fact that they are being remembered and forever safe in your heart. Get one here: Amazon
Custom Text Candle
If you prefer, or want to have a “go-to” candle for your deceased loved one’s birthday, you can customize your candle with your loved ones name/dates or whatever other message you’d like. Get one here: Etsy
Candle Resting in Angel Wings Holder
This one is also very pretty and comes with an angel wing candle holder. 💛 Get: Bradford Exchange
Lastly, if you have a special candle for them already, consider adding this beautiful decal sticker to it for an extra special touch.
Get on Amazon: In Loving Memory Candle Decal
2. Have a Balloon Release
This one is a little bit more difficult because it has been controversial lately for environmental/safety reasons, but if you find a location where they allow it, it is such a beautiful moment watching dozens (or more) balloons going so high up into the sky until they disappear. I always like to think of it as a way to “put on a light show” for my son when I do it. This is also a nice way to remember your deceased loved ones birthday on the day that they passed away every year, also commonly called their “Angelversary”
Personalization
To make it even more personal, you can spend the night before blowing up the balloons yourself. Simply get one of these helium machines (Get on Amazon: BALLOON TIME Disposable Helium Kit ) and a pack of balloons. (In their favorite color of course).
You can also write messages on the balloon with a marker, or attach little notes to the strings of the balloons. As the balloons soar up to the sky with your message attached, it is comforting for some reason. You’ll understand when you do it!
Here are some beautiful bereavement balloons if you want a classier look.
The goal is to get a view like this:
3. Create A Birthday Memorial Video or Page
Creating a memorial video can take a lot of time, but it is SO worth it to have something you can access easily to view your deceased loved one’s birthday memories, pictures, videos, and music that show off to others who they were. Also, you can watch it every year on their birthday as a tradition as well. For example, I made one for my son’s first birthday.
Forever Missed – Memorial Page
Don’t have the tools and skills to make a memorial video? Well, you can easily set up a memorial page at Forever Missed. This allows you to choose from page themes, background music, and more. You also have the option to add photos, videos and stories of your loved one who has passed. Guests can leave birthday wishes, and leave virtual flowers and lit candles.
It is easy to sign up, and a basic memorial page is completely free! I set one up for my son Jaxon and this is what mine looks like:
The page even comes with a list of songs that you can use in the background, and the 2 that I have playing are “My Heart Will Go On” and “The Prayer“. To get started on your own beautiful memorial page, visit the following link to get started: Forever Missed
4. Grave Decorations
This one is actually one of the more common ways to celebrate a deceased loved ones birthday, but I think when done tastefully, they are beautiful! Jaxon was cremated so there is not a grave, but if your loved one has one, spend time making it special. Here is a sweet example:
Some ideas you can consider are adding stakes, flowers or stones to add to their gravesite area. Here are some example ideas to inspire you:
Grave Decoration – Heart Stake
This isn’t only available for dad if you check out the link, but this stake makes a great addition to their gravesite or memorial garden. Get on Amazon, here: In Loving Memory Stake
Memorial Stone with Quote
You can set this beautiful stone around their grave to display the capacity of love you have for them, and how in a perfect world, it would have been enough to save them from passing away. Get it on Amazon: Quote Memorial Stone
Photo Decal for Gravestone
I always thought you had to buy a headstone that already had a photo detail on it, but I was wrong. You can actually get a ceramic customized photo decal for you to apply to their gravestone yourself, making their resting place much more personal and special, which is pretty amazing. Get one now on Amazon: Gravestone Photo Decal
5. Donate Time, Money or Love in Memory of your Deceased Loved One’s Birthday
This one is perhaps the best one on the list. What better way to honor the lost, than to give back to others in memory of their life and legacy. There are many ways to do this!
Ideas
- Volunteer at a place that your loved one enjoyed or was passionate about the cause for.
- Donate to a cause that relates to the reason your loved one died. You can make monetary donations or simply use unique platforms to speak about it, so you can share their story.
- Donate to a GoFundMe campaign and when you sign it, mention that it is in honor of your deceased loved one’s birthday.
- On their birthday, you may not be able to give them gifts, but you can still purchase a gift(s) and give them to a children’s hospital, charity, daycare, Goodwill, homeless shelters, or someone you know that is in need of something. When they open it, include a little note about why giving it to them was important, by mentioning your loved one, of course.
- Create a Facebook page in their honor that helps other people as well. This one was made for my son and it has helped many girls make positive decisions in pregnancy crisis or similar grief. Also, use it to promote awareness. For example, since my son died in a car crash, so I also use his page to promote the importance of safe driving.
Donate self-love and be a good person! Live your life in a way that would make your loved one proud. Don’t let the pain eat you up and lead you down a rough path of destruction. Be strong, overcome and accomplish. One day you’ll be able to tell the story about how you positively used pain to be the best you can be, not only for you, but for the one you lost. Inspiring others in that way is an incredible thing.
6. Display a Memorial Car Decal
This is becoming more and more common, and that is a good thing. Get a decal for your car window with their name and dates customized. You can order one like the angelic one in the picture below, here: In Loving Memory Car Decal
6. Hang a Memorial Wind Chime
This makes a beautiful memorial because every time you hear it chiming, your heart will be filled with memories. It is a gentle and sweet reminder that they are with you no matter what. Hang one on your porch or balcony to honor them on their special day – and all year long.
Here are some beautiful and breathtaking ones:
Whispers from Heaven Windchime:
When this windchime is blowing in the wind and you hear it ring, remind yourself that it is a symbol of “a gentle breeze whisper from heaven:”. Get it here on Amazon: Whispers from Heaven Wind Chime
Stone Wind Chime
This wind chime stone is more detailed, sturdy and has a lovely quote that features an important purpose of this gift: “Every time the wind blows, I think of you”. What a great way to make their deceased loved ones birthday that much special!
Get on Amazon: Wind Chime Angel Stone
7. Memory Jar
This can be used to celebrate someone’s life in many different ways. Fill it with your own personal memories of the person who passed, and give it to someone who is grieving their death. Or, throw a get together for their birthday and have everyone fill it up with sweet memories!
It is a wonderful way to celebrate the memories they made while they were here on Earth with us.
Get one here: Amazon
You can also get these sweet cards that you can use to have the memories written down on: Amazon
8. Give to their Loved Ones
When someone loses someone who was dear to them, be the link that their deceased loved one needs to comfort that person. When I lost my son, I received many gifts from people that were uplifting, and specific to remembering my sweet little boy. Here are a few ideas that would brighten their day – or your own. 🙂
Picture Frame
Put a photo of them, like this one below, in a simple, elegant and beautiful picture frame. Get this frame here: Precious Moments
Garden Stone
A special item for yourself or someone who has lost someone. Give this gift in honor of their birthday with this beautiful customized stone for all to see.
Get here: Personalized Stone
Jewelry or Keychains
A great way to keep someone close to your heart is to wear them next to your heart, like with one of these beautiful necklaces.
Get on Amazon: Memorial Necklace – Mom or Dad
Mommy of an Angel Necklace
Losing a child myself, I just adored when someone got me a piece of jewelry that honored my son. It is a great way to keep your child’s memory close to your heart and share that endless love with others who see it. This one is more specific for moms who have lost a pregnancy or newborn baby.
Get on Amazon: Mommy of an Angel necklace
Custom Heart-Shaped Ring
This is my favorite piece of jewelry that you can customize to be a memorial item. Is it not absolutely beautiful? and it is much easier to gaze at than a necklace. Customize this ring with your own photo (I used my deceased son’s photo in the example below) and engraving here: “You are Special” Custom Photo Ring
Engraved Custom Ceramic Tray
This tray can be customized with sweet words that remind us that the ones we lose are never truly gone. This is a great item to put on display, or as a jewelry dish so that the reminder is seen when getting ready.
Get on Etsy: Ceramic Memorial Heart Shaped Bowl
Celebrating a Deceased Loved Ones Birthday – Conclusion:
Whatever you choose to do to honor your loved one, know that it is okay to do so. You grieve in a way that no one else does/will. We all grieve at our own pace, in our own way, and as long as it is not hurting anyone, it’s ok. Make their birthday special, and not a day that that is dreaded. 🙂
Also, be sure to share your own ideas, thoughts and experiences in the comments section below! Feel free to talk about them, what they were like, and what you do to celebrate their life! 💙
I second that Hanna. Lost my young husband 3 years ago. He was into protecting the environment and his mother (who i no longer have contact with) held a balloon release. I thought to myself she really didn’t know her son at all.
I had a balloon release when my infant son died in 2013, and I have learned much more about the alternatives that are available since then. I will definitely look into updating this post with more environmentally friendly alternatives, once I do more research gathering examples as to what harmful effects it has.I think sometimes that can be the last thing on our minds when in deep grief. I never have thought about the fact that the strings could be harmful to animals or that the balloons could be mistaken as jellyfish (I have never lived by the water) – like Hanna said. I appreciate you guys bringing it up!
PLEASE do not release balloons into the sky. It harms the environment and wildlife animals. Strings from balloons become entangled in animals’ feet or neck which ends up killing them or they swallow balloons in the water thinking it is jellyfish. Just stop releasing balloons into the sky.
I actually was not aware of those possibilities, and as I said to Stacey in the comment above, I definitely am going to look more into the harmful effects it can have and use that to update this post or include a disclaimer. Thanks for sharing! 🙂