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People who work in an office setting are often called “paper pushers” or are accused of living the lush life, but that is not the case. From maintaining your cool, to losing control, here are the dangers to pay attention to before it is too late.
1. Patience is a Survival Technique
In order to survive in an office setting you must be prepared to tackle the symptoms of being affected by slow or non-working devices. Here are some examples of common office worker complaints that destroy their ability to practice patience in the workplace.
“Every time I need to make a copy of some important documents, the copier gives me an error code. I fear that one day I will lose control and punch a hole in that piece of crap and lose my job – Pete Stoker – Accounting Ops
Computers at work usually do not work as fast as your gadgets at home, so when the home page to your work computer is taking long to load, it can make you feel like your body is being pumped full of raw rage. This is a common problem that millions of office workers face every single day.
Unless you have a magic wand, there is no cure. You can fight against this tragic epidemic by becoming proactive in pushing your company to get better equipment, but workers usually will only find temporary relief before reverting back to an unstable mental state.
If you don’t resolve these issues early, you could expose yourself with the risk of losing control, like this guy, who is now flipping burgers at age 53:
2. Snack Attacks Are a Threat
When you are sitting at your desk, you’re easily affected by those around you who are also sitting at their desk. Call it the “Herd Mentality” if you will. Someone in a few cubicles next to you pops open their new box of Cheez-its and you can see them in your peripherals pointing their weapon at you, with a kind and encouraging “Hey, would you like some?”
This is when tough decision making is crucial for success. You confidently say “No, but thank you!” – but inside….you are dead now. You want some Cheez-Its. You hope that they don’t ask again because your will power is insufficient for saying no again.
But then, they take a breath and say “Oh, come on, just have a handful, they are SO good” while they extend their arm with an open box of cheesy squares. You think to yourself “Oh FLIP, I don’t need them” but then you say “Okay, Okay, Fine”
The Cheez-its are now falling into your hand and there is no turning back now. You look at the mountain of cheese in your palm and the process of the snack attack begins. OM NOM NOM NOM NOM OM NOM NOM.
Then, as the little cheese crackers are dancing in your belly, they tell your brain “YO, CAN WE GET SOME NUTS DOWN HERE IN THIS PARTY?” so you go to the vending machine and buy a bag of cashews. You chow down the entire bag and WHOOPS it’s lunch time. PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME.
It is a never ending cycle, and this process is especially dangerous during office parties or potlucks. The dangers of snack attacks include weight gain, needing to go buy new work clothes at Kohl’s, and having more trouble hiding your fat rolls when you sit down. Friends don’t let friends go through this alone, but more importantly coworkers shouldn’t encourage this act onto others. If you know someone who is encouraging other coworkers to stuff their face, let them know of the dangers immediately.
3. Bodily Functions Affect Production
There are many instances where flatulence, diarrhea, belching, or even sneezing can cause yourself or others to experience decreased productivity. Take note of the following examples:
When You or a Co-Worker is Feeling Gassy
This is an unfortunate experience to have in the workplace. If you are the one experiencing the excess gas, you risk accidentally letting one rip and ultimately embarrassing yourself for eating cheese and then cutting it.
Holding in gas when you are sitting in a cubicle next to someone can be detrimental to your health, but if you attempt to get up and go let it out in the bathroom, you risk accidentally letting it rip while you get up, or as you’re are walking. It is hard to come back from that.
And diarrhea at work? Don’t get me started. Go talk to your doctor, or avoid Taco Bell at all cost – because that is the golden ticket to a hot shart.
Loud Sneezing or Accidental Belching
These are the functions that come out of your face. You can’t always prevent a sneeze, but some people suffer from an over-exaggerated sneeze syndrome. I can’t provide an audible example, but here is a visual one:
Cindy from HR in an undisclosed office in El Paso, TX says this:
“I struggled everyday with gas in the workplace. It didn’t matter what I ate for breakfast, it would always come back to haunt me at 10:15 AM, right after my first break was over. That is when I tried Gas-X and now I am living a healthy, shame-free life, without giving up beans for breakfast. Now, I always make my quota without inconvenient disruptions.”
Millions of Americans suffer from embarrassment when it comes to bodily functions, but no one knows this suffering more than office workers who are in a quiet, tight-knit space together all day, everyday. So, if you are feeling a little bloated, consider talking with your doctor about treatment options before you apply to work at H&R Block.
4. Dealing With Small Talk
One of the most devastating things about working in an office is the human interaction aspect. Facing the same questions every day can really make you want to pull your hair out, which can lead to baldness. Here is an example of how and how not to answer to a simple, common small talk comment, to avoid people thinking you’re an asshole:
“Good Morning!“
Don’t Respond like this:
DO respond like this:
“How Are You?”
Don’t respond like this:
DO respond like this:
Before you panic, remember that these dangers and concerns of office workers all around the world are not only common, but normal. You are not alone. Please note that other dangers of working in an office include, but are not limited to the following:
- Hitting your head on your keyboard if you fall asleep.
- Overdosing on energy drinks and dying, trying to avoid falling asleep.
- Vericose Veins from sitting too long.
- Suffering from a lack of lumbar support.
- Knowing too much about Shelly’s son’s lice problem.
- Developing a resting bitch face
- Getting Bridgette’s Cat’s hair in your bite of her homemade Christmas cookies.
- Becoming obsessed with Lysol Wipes.
Stay Vigilant my friends. Don’t let these things happen to you, and you can live a healthy, long life as an office employee!
